Every year I get a jigsaw puzzle for Christmas and I always try to complete it before I have to go back to work. I get very engrossed in jigsaws and so only allow myself to do one at Christmas or on holiday. (And yes, I know I shouldn’t see taking time out for myself to do something I enjoy as a holiday treat but that’s a post for another day.) Dismantling the jigsaw though always feels slightly depressing; I have put all that effort into completing something only to promptly destroy it. Usually, it is just a fleeting feeling and I focus on the thought of having the table space back. I also see it as a sign of starting afresh for the new year. However, this year it somehow felt more poignant and, I confess, brought a tear to my eye. So I got to thinking why that was and I think it is all tied up with that sense of starting afresh for the new year and saying goodbye to 2023.
2023 was a strange year for me. It had some fantastic highs but also some incredibly sad lows. And at this time of reflection that is the new year, when I try and look back at what I have achieved over the past year, reading the resolutions I set for myself at the start of 2023, it feels like I didn’t really achieve anything and I am in exactly the same position I was a year ago. And, as I fish around for some new resolutions for 2024, reluctant to just copy and paste those from last year, I logged onto this blog and saw that my last post was in 2022 – I failed to write a single post in 2023! Yet it in no way feels like over a year since I wrote that post. I just don’t know where the time went in 2023. Something I say every year but this year it has really struck me how true that is.
That feeling of time passing so quickly is coupled with the sense of not having made any progress with any of the goals I set for myself in 2023. It’s like 2023 was just a year of letting life happen and not really moving forward, meaning it feels like of a bit of a waste of a year. That feels harsh to say, because it definitely wasn’t all bad – in fact there were lots of good things that happened. It’s just none of those things moved me forward in my overriding goals for 2023, and my life in general. And my “overriding goals” are part of the problem – I am not exactly sure I still want to achieve those goals but have no idea what any new goals I might set myself might look like.
I think, though, that I am going to have to try and be kind to myself and accept that it is okay to have time treading water, or perhaps, a better way of expressing it would be floating in the water, letting life just happen and not constantly trying to paddle upstream. And it is okay not to know exactly what you want to do next. I have always struggled with not feeling like I have a sense of purpose and, as I get older, I worry that I am running out of time to find out what that is. Someone, sorry, I can’t remember who, once said that some people are like butterflies, going from flower to flower, trying out different things to try and find which is the one that will give them that sense of belonging and purpose. And that is kind of how I have lived my life – coming up with ideas, loving the planning stage, going in all guns blazing but then losing interest and so moving onto the next thing. And I do love the beginning stages of an idea or project – the excitement of thinking what might be possible and coming up with an action plan to make that happen. The problem I have faced in 2023 is that those ideas, and that enthusiasm, seems to have dried up.
Or has it? Could it actually be that I have needed to use my energy elsewhere in my life. To grieve for someone close to me and support those around me going through that grief. Both of those things are exhausting and I don’t think I have given myself the kindness of acknowledging that and allowing myself to take time out of trying to find that sense of purpose I crave for. And maybe I needed that time floating through life to reconsider what I want my goals to be, to take a step back and start afresh with setting those goals. It is easy to get stuck on the same record when it comes to goals. But things change. You change. Life changes. And so what you want out of life changes. Especially if you are a butterfly and never really had a strong affinity to the goals you have set yourself in the past.
And it is important to realise that re-evaluating your life goals does not mean you have failed to meet your original goals. It just means that you have learnt the need to adapt and grow, and that in itself is an achievement.
So, I think I am going to chalk 2023 up as a year that just needed to happen, a time out from being a butterfly, a year of being in a cocoon. And 2024 can be the year that I start to emerge from that cocoon, ready to take flight again. I’m not sure yet where 2024 is going to take me but for now I am content with just seeing what happens, taking it one flower at a time, until I find the one that makes my heart flutter just that little more than the rest.
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